Friday, October 3, 2008

It's Official: It Was The Squirrels

Those conniving little bastards... they scurry across the streets, climb up the nearest tree when someone comes near, take a plunge in one of the coolers the vendors have set up in front of Gelman... damn them. After much investigation, my sources have linked a strange phenomena occurring at The George Washington University to the mammal widely known as Sciurus-niger: they took the clocks.

Have you noticed the conspicuous lack of them in all the classrooms across the school? They did it! Why do you think there's a variety of them on campus? The dark ones belong to the covert espionage unit that is responsible for the sabotage of any attempts done by the university to install clocks. The peppered kind keep a look out from the safe canopies of the trees outside, while the brown ones act as decoys, flashing their adorable little selves to the ignorant passerby.

Just the other day, I was walking down 22nd Street passing by Strong Hall when I spotted one of them digging for food on the front lawn. I was five feet away from it, yet it still did not move. I think they're on to me. This could have to do with the fact that I posted a similar version of this article on my Facebook page two weeks ago. If my hunch is proven correct, then it means the squirrels of GW have mastered the art of accessing and surfing the web.

As of this report, the squirrels have failed time and time again to destroy the clocks in Corcoran Hall. You know why? The lasers. Have you noticed the warning signs set up on the walls? I have. But rest assured, I will sleep comfortably tonight knowing the squirrels will have no chance of ridding the University of the giant clock tower up on The Vern.

But its only a matter of time before the squirrels hack into the government data base and send out orders to retrieve the Dorothy Williamson Clock Tower...

No comments: